These are a few trading cards I made on Thursday. They seem appropriate for the way I was feeling Friday! 

horrible day

I hate Student Loans. They are totally screwing me over...and there's nothing I can do. I need to pay my tuition by September 3rd, and I don't even know if I'm getting any funds. I have no idea if I can pay for school. I don't even know if I can leave for Medicine Hat on Monday. What's going to happen if I get there, then I receive notice from Student Loans that I won't get any funds? Then I end up coming back home, and have to tell all my friends and co-workers that I didn't make it. I don't know if my self-esteem can handle another blow like that. After all my dreams, and plans, and everyone being so supportive of me, and I would have to say, "guess what, I failed once again. Thanks for the nice party, and all the compliments, but gee, I am such a f@*^ing mess that I can't handle this, and I got booted out of school. So here I am, and my life sucks. But thanks for caring."
I can't believe this is happening to me. I don't even have faith right now to believe that God can do this for me. Life has always been so difficult for me, and I work so hard, and I'm still a loser. Why me? So I get to be ADHD, Learning Disabled, and hopeless all at the same time! I don't even know how to pray anymore. What do I pray for?

frustration

Sometimes I hate being me. It's so frustrating not being able to figure things out easily, or miss things that I should know, or realize that Nobody is Listening to Me! My care group from LH hosted a send-off party for me on Sunday evening. I was rather pleased, because it was nice to be acknowledged and appreciated. I never got that at West Portal. Part of the reason I love LH is the people accept me with all my faults (of which there are many) and never make me feel like my gifts and talents are unnoticed. There were lots of my LH friends there, all telling me how much they'd miss me and they wished me well in the Hat. So you'd think that would make me, the upstaging comedian, thrilled to be the center of attention, right? Wrong. I came home feeling totally anxious, just because I couldn't handle all the conversations and the people. I missed parts of things people said to me, and answered with really dumb, nonsensical things. At one point, I was telling the story of the student loans, and I realized that I'd been talking for five minutes, and only one person was listening...and I immediately beat myself up for being boring, too talkative, not tuning in to the signals. How come I didn't realize four minutes earlier that the story was way too long? I don't know. That's part of ADHD...just no social awareness at all. And with multiple conversations going on, I couldn't keep track of a single thread. And when I looked at my loving husband, he had fallen asleep. At my party! I was so angry at him for doing that...which really shouldn't have mattered, should it? After all, the party was for me, and no one else seemed to mind. But it bugged the hell outta me. For no other reason than I thought he should have stayed awake and at least pretended to be interested in me! I came home feeling anxious, paranoid, angry, and afraid. I am glad my friends did that for me, it was sweet, but I can't help freaking out about my own shortcomings in those situations. Lavern apologized for telling me ahead of time about the party...the group had wanted to make it a surprise. That would not have been a good idea. I've always hated surprises...now I know why. It's because my inner life is in such turmoil every day...I have no way to prepare myself for surprises. It throws me into a totally paranoid, stressful state, and I retreat. How many times Brian has had to change plans, or tell me about them, because I was getting so worked up about not knowing anything. Most people can handle surprises, and enjoy them...for me, it just means I will do something wrong, or say something stupid, or not even show up because I can't handle crowds. I hate movie theatres, surprises, malls on a sale day, and hordes of little children. I feel bad that I feel this way, because I know my friends put on a great party, and they were very considerate. So why don't I feel happy and grateful, and enjoy the attention?
I'm going to totally screw up on my first day of school, I know it.

inspiration

This is a verse I read some time ago, and gave me the inspiration I needed to continue pursuing my education. I review it once in a while when I'm feeling hopeless, or when I have to deal with student loans!
Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord; plans to give you hope and a future."

Things I will miss most when I'm in Medicine Hat;
1. my treadmill
2. watching Survivor with Lindsay on Thursdays
3. watching Brian drop bread crumbs all over himself when he's eating my homebaked bread
4. going to half-off sales at thrift stores with Lindsay and Derek
5. worshipping at Living Hope on Sundays
6. my treadmill!

Things I won't miss at all!
1. my stove (never use it anyway!)
2. having to listen to Nascar races on Sundays, at 110 decibels!
3. Thursday afternoon meetings at the Mendel (sorry, Laura, but I"m not very good at paying attention!)
4. seeing piles of vcr's and tools in the middle of my livingroom